Words to Live By - Or Maybe Die!

We columnists, or as Sid the Mangling Editor classifies us, “contributing writers”, must use words and we must obtain them from quotes or out of a thesaurus or from graffiti.

So we use borrowed words.

We cannot make up words, because all of the good ones have already been discovered. Misspelling existing words does not count as new ones. Sid misspelled “rudiments” for several months until I called his hand on it. I was right, but it didn’t keep him from putting my work two pages behind the “Partners for Pets” appeal.

I used the word “myriads” incorrectly in a column once, and a man stopped at our table at the Gazebo the next week, introduced himself as being a graduate of my alma mater and later sent me an E-mail that Dr. Zimmerman of that institution would have chided me for my error if he were still alive. I would like to start regular communication with him since we have something in common, but I cannot find my English textbook from the first half of the last century and I know that he will be continuously finding fault with my word usage.

Most educated folks like to quote famous people. Mark Twain is quoted more than anyone else, with the possible exception of Madonna. Twain wrote about steamboats and young boys in caves and Indians (he spelled it “Injuns”, and I am glad that Dr. Zimmerman was not around. Twain would have been in big trouble). He did make a comment about government on occasion, and I really like the one that says “Congress has been proven to be the only truly Native American criminal class”. He deserves being read. Or you can read Madonna, if you wish. Each has left a mark on civilization.

On occasion I receive an E-mail purporting to be quotes from Will Rogers. They are referring to Will Rogers the writer and raconteur, not Will Rogers who sells Fords on Lafayette Street. You can tell how Ford sales are going in Marianna by observing where Will has lunch. Good sales….Madison‘s. Low or no sales……..sardines and saltines at a local convenience store.

Dr. Tom Kinchen is president of the Baptist College of Florida in Graceville. When he was Chair of the Chamber of Commerce I got to know and to admire him. Not that I don’t admire all Baptist preachers. I praise them so I can cover all bases on my way down Life’s path. John Wesley may have gotten it all wrong, and I want to be assured of some mercy at the Pearly Gates.

Dr. Kinchen is fond of quoting Winston Churchill, as am I. Churchill should have the lion’s share of the credit for our victory in World War II. He is praised for rallying his people in the darkest of days. Tom should be careful, though. Once Churchill announced that the people of Britain would have to do without the necessities of life in order to save civilization. Later that evening he hosted some newsmen, and regaled them with stories as he smoked a Cuban cigar (an H. Upmann, my favorite) and enjoyed a snifter of brandy. When questioned about this seeming contradiction between his earlier words and his actions that night, he explained “I said ‘necessities’ not ‘luxuries’ ”. I hope that Tom never quotes this. You know how the Baptists are about brandy.

I am certain that I do not have to remind the twelve regular readers of my column that several weeks ago I won a medal in a 5K run/walk. I am quite proud of it, and I would show it off in public more often, but I pinned it to my pajamas and the ribbon is somewhat ragged now.

Since then I have been receiving quotes via E-mail that are gleaned from the “Runner’s World” magazine. They are meant, I am sure, to be inspirational, and I will leave it to you to determine who forwards them to me. Here is one:

“Winning is not about headlines and hardware (medals). It’s only about attitude. A winner is a person who goes out today and every day and attempts to be the best runner and best person they can be. Winning is about struggle and effort and optimism, and never, ever, ever giving up.”



Anyone who reads that challenge without feeling his heart beat faster is on the way to becoming a vegetable, and I am far from that. The day that I received this I went out and cut a minute off my best three mile time. How could I not?

And then I received this one:

“I usually run the first half of the marathon and run-walk the last half. It gets harder to run 26.2 miles at my age, but I’m inspired by the memory of friends I’ve lost”.

This was written by an 87 year-old grandmother of ten who is a marathon runner.

Wait just a cotton-picking minute (words from Tennessee Ernie Ford)! If there ever was a case for Jethro Gibbs of NCIS, this is it! This woman is eighty seven years of age, and she has lost all of her friends? That is suspicious. Where did she lose them? Are they really lost, or just tucked away in leg irons in an abandoned warehouse? Were they truly her friends, or were they “drafting” on her in these marathons that she has run for the better part of a century, and so she sought revenge?

And ten grandchildren! This indicates more missing persons. Where are the parents? Grandchildren only get here by way of children. I know about this, first hand. Most grandparents wish that there had been a way to skip children and go directly to grandchildren. Someone had better keep a constant check on this marathoner’s grandchildren if they are in their teens and they hang around dear old granny very much, especially on race days when there is a full moon. Forewarned is forearmed (I don’t know who first said this. It might have been Mark Twain, or maybe Madonna)!

I believe that there is enough mystery here for an Alfred Hitchcock show. I am reminded of Pogo, my favorite comic strip character. Upon being told that a black widow spider, immediately after mating, kills and eats her spouse, Pogo’s comment was: “You mess ‘round with black widow spiders, you gotta ‘spec trouble”.

Does the same go for all marathon runners? I have nothing against them, male or female. In fact, I have breakfast with a lady marathoner often, and I really enjoy it, but when she gets to be eighty seven, don’t expect Homer to be hanging around!