The Best Movies of All Time!

When a writer, regardless of his capabilities, reaches a certain point in his career and is recognized as a public figure, it is necessary that he become an arbiter. This means that he is a judge, a person capable of rendering a professional opinion on a particular subject. Usually the first field that he is called to judge is “The Best Movies of All Time”.

I have reached that point. My column this week will address great movies, and I will not brook any disputations. Last week I wrote authoritatively about nostrums of the past, most of which have vanished, and our Head of Shipping at the Jackson County Times insisted that our Real Editor, Stephanie, add a footnote that Vick’s Vap-o-Rub has not disappeared from the shelves, but it is in constant usage at her home, and that her husband often puts a smear under his nose, and that it is a turn-on for her. Vick’s may make her passionate, but it takes something by Chanel or Estee Lauder to work for me.

Let this be a warning, all you staffers at the Times. These are my movies! Hands off!

I do not recall the first movie I ever saw. I am positive it was an “oater”, possibly starring Tom Mix, Tim McCoy or Buck Jones. The plots were the same and the characters identical: the bad boys wore black hats, with the exception of the man that played Zorro, and the hero never kissed his girl friend, but sometimes in a close up scene his horse would nuzzle him. Today, in the days of “Brokeback Mountain” that might have a strange connotation, but to us it was the two minute warning before the end of the last reel.

In 1939 “Gone With the Wind” reached the Gibson Theater in Chattahoochee, and school kids could attend if they had the price of admission and their parent’s permission. After all, Clark Gable looked down at Vivien Leigh and said, loud and clear: “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn”. Gasps were heard throughout the movie house. We should have been required to have permission to see a British woman playing a Southern girl. That was the atrocity that we witnessed that day. That, and the burning of Atlanta.

A few years passed and Howard Hughes, that stalwart designer of military aircraft, including the all plywood Spruce Goose, produced “The Outlaw“. This was the story of the infamous Billy the Kid, and had in it the full gamut of characters, including Doc Holliday and Sheriff Pat Garrett and one named Rio McDonald, who was not found in any history books up to that point. This was Billy’s girl, and she was played by Jane Russell. Jane’s assets, at least the ones on the “upper deck”, were not shown at their best in regular clothes, so Hughes designed a special bra. He was a great engineer and many of us boys suddenly became interested in engineering as a career and went to the movie. Some of us were underage, and the poor acting put us to sleep. It was a really bad movie.

Ms. Russell became famous for her ability to look sexy while being interviewed by famous people. Bob Hope introduced her on one of his shows as “the two and only Jane Russell”. Her partner, Jack Buetel, had been signed to a contract by Hughes and did not appear in another movie for seven years. I really think he did not get another part because it took him that long to get his eyeballs back in their sockets after the famous haystack scene with Jane.

At an interview with some of the denizens of the Table of Truth and Justice in Chattahoochee, some mentioned “Field of Dreams”, but that was from jocks that only think of life in terms of home runs and strikeouts. “Sandlot” was better in my opinion. One did mention “On the Waterfront” with Orson Welles, and it truly should be on anyone’s list. Their rankings also included several “Roadrunner” cartoons, but I refused to add them to such an august listing.

You cannot dispute the greatness of “Casablanca”, even if no one actually said to the pianist “Play it again, Sam”. Dooly Wilson was the man at the keyboard, and he played “As Time Goes By”, and no one else should ever be allowed to play that piece. Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman…..what a pair! Yes, “We will always have Paris” stands out, and I hope, someday soon, to be able to add that to my remembrances, but I do not intend to say it to anyone who resembles Bogart or Bergman.

Movies shown aboard Navy ships were sixteen millimeter versions of commercial shows, but were viewed under sometimes perilous circumstances. Underway on small ships both officers and men watched on the fantail (stern) of the ship, with the after gun mount turned sideways to provide the screen. This always gave a haze gray cast to the characters’ complexions. One gunner’s mate objected to a particular showing because “we just painted the mount today and it might damage the finish”. I never said that we had the brightest men in the Navy, just the best.

Ribald comments always were expressed when actresses such as Elizabeth Taylor, Marilyn Monroe or Jayne Mansfield came into view. Some of these suggestions were probably physically impossible, but added much to the sometimes dull plots. On larger ships the officers had separate viewings in the wardroom. The captain or senior officer present made the choice of the movie, and one particular commodore had a fixation on what we called “Grade Z” westerns. Most had the same plots, shown over and over, but with different characters and vistas.

Then “Rose of Cimarron” came our way and the commodore took a liking to it. The plot was different. Rose was a buxom blonde that rode horses, shot revolvers and roped dogies as good as any man. The movie told about her exploits as she branded cattle, winged evildoers with miraculous hits from her Colts, and even lassoed a mountain lion and dragged him back to town, possibly intending to sell him to Busch Gardens. The dialogue was stilted and usually read from an off stage cue card. We watched this through two nights running and then the sound on the projector went out.

We continued watching, and a junior officer had the idea of reciting the words himself. The movie became our favorite, but always with the sound turned off and one of us uttering the various parts. It was a particularly proud evening when I drew the part of Rose, and I said: “Oh, my darling Sam, will you marry me? I am ready to settle down and have your children”. I of course did this in a deep voice and was applauded loudly.

The best movie of all time? For me, that is easy. It is “Rose of Cimarron”. Yes, I have panned it in this article, but after all it is the only Hollywood production in which I had a speaking part!