It is difficult to write a column these days that does not speak of politics. It is not that Mangling Editor Sid Riley does not cover the subject well, but I am able to infringe on his territory on occasion, as long as I do not include the word “Rudiments”. So here goes with one of my observations. This crosses party lines and touches state and federal levels, and perhaps will eventually reach the lower levels, if there are any lower levels.
Last week I received two letters, both from wives of office holders. The mailings were alike in content and in style, and the appeals for the same purpose. You have received similar ones. I am referring, of course, to the chatty type missive in which the spouse announces that her husband’s birthday is imminent and wouldn’t it be nice if she could surprise the Congressman or the Senator with my check, made out to his campaign, for one dollar per year of longevity, and annotated in the lower corner “Happy Birthday!”
I immediately discarded one, but the other is from a good looking blonde, and blondes are high up on my list of weaknesses. Also high up are brunettes and redheads. My daughter Ashlee the Nutritionist is a natural blonde, and she tells me that the reason blonde jokes are short is so brunettes can understand them.
I immediately read the appeal, and was somewhat disappointed since I was only being asked for a dollar per year, until I remembered that the good Senator is somewhat long in the tooth, and the money will not be tax deductible. And I am not invited to the birthday party, which is a pity, because the wife owns a beer distributorship in Arizona.
Then I began thinking about this process of soliciting money. It is flawed. There is no way that the Mrs. can ask for money more than once each year.
In order to do my part I have decided to compile some appropriate dates for mailings, and the reasons for the use of each. The obvious ones, Christmas, New Years Day, Independence Day, are just that, obvious, and even a ………..oops, I almost said “blonde”……..can think of those. So I recommend that these be considered:
● Saint Swithin’s Day. This is a “floating” day, named for an obscure saint, and can be celebrated whenever and wherever followers desire. This is probably the ultimate for fundraisers. Since the origin came from an attempt by an early pope to attract goat herders to religion, there should be no protests.
● June 3. Jefferson Davis’ birthday is June 3. Davis had a distinguished career as a U. S. Senator and Secretary of War, and became the first and only President of the Confederate States of America. Celebration can be held on even numbered years for his birthday and on odd years for President’s Day. Banks in the South once closed every June 3, and for years I thought that it was in honor of my father, who was also born on this day.
● June 21. On June 21, 1951 I was sworn into the United States Navy. It is truly a memorable date for me, and I would appreciate some recognition. By the way, I re-read my commissioning papers the other day and found that I am subject to recall. If the Admiral needs me. I hope that one of the Navy’s newer ships has an inclined ramp to the pilot house. I do not care for shore duty.
● January 22, March 2, May 16, October 11, November 1. These are the days on which I have been accused of fathering children in different parts of the world. This is a standard accusation against sailors and it is because we wear those cute uniforms. We are all innocent. If I am blamed at any time from now on, though, I may accept the charge as a compliment. I will not own up to the act in court, however, since perjury carries an automatic thirty day sentence in the county facility and the judge will know I am lying.
● The Ides of March. This is the day that Brutus stabbed (or as we say down South “stobbed”) Caesar, not only taking his life but placing on countless school children for years afterwards the requirement to learn “Et tu, Brute’ ”. This is Latin, and a little of that language goes a long way. “Et tu, Brute’ ” has been more than enough for me, and I am closing in on eighty years of age. Brutus was a senator, as were some of his compatriots. On second thought maybe we shouldn’t use this. Senators have enough strange ideas without having Latin to confuse them.
● The Day after High School Graduation. On Graduation Day the seniors attack the world. The next day the world attacks back. This could also be called the “Rude Awakening Day”.
● April 15. We should wait until the Fair Tax is voted in. April 15th will then be just another lovely spring day, and we will be glad to send in a dollar per longevity year to all the senators and the representatives. Think of the money we will be saving, even then!
● December 14. This is my birthday. It has always been a difficult time for me because it is near Christmas and I always got that old “I’m giving you one present for both days” treatment. My mother’s sister was a pharmacist and we shared the same day, but she would send me vitamins and cod liver oil. So if you wish to assist me please do so. I do not have a wife to mail out my appeals, but I owe money to several banks. Just take your checks in and deposit them to my account. I can assure you that I will appreciate this gesture more than any senator or congressman will. And you will get a thank you note and an invitation to my party!
Last week I received two letters, both from wives of office holders. The mailings were alike in content and in style, and the appeals for the same purpose. You have received similar ones. I am referring, of course, to the chatty type missive in which the spouse announces that her husband’s birthday is imminent and wouldn’t it be nice if she could surprise the Congressman or the Senator with my check, made out to his campaign, for one dollar per year of longevity, and annotated in the lower corner “Happy Birthday!”
I immediately discarded one, but the other is from a good looking blonde, and blondes are high up on my list of weaknesses. Also high up are brunettes and redheads. My daughter Ashlee the Nutritionist is a natural blonde, and she tells me that the reason blonde jokes are short is so brunettes can understand them.
I immediately read the appeal, and was somewhat disappointed since I was only being asked for a dollar per year, until I remembered that the good Senator is somewhat long in the tooth, and the money will not be tax deductible. And I am not invited to the birthday party, which is a pity, because the wife owns a beer distributorship in Arizona.
Then I began thinking about this process of soliciting money. It is flawed. There is no way that the Mrs. can ask for money more than once each year.
In order to do my part I have decided to compile some appropriate dates for mailings, and the reasons for the use of each. The obvious ones, Christmas, New Years Day, Independence Day, are just that, obvious, and even a ………..oops, I almost said “blonde”……..can think of those. So I recommend that these be considered:
● Saint Swithin’s Day. This is a “floating” day, named for an obscure saint, and can be celebrated whenever and wherever followers desire. This is probably the ultimate for fundraisers. Since the origin came from an attempt by an early pope to attract goat herders to religion, there should be no protests.
● June 3. Jefferson Davis’ birthday is June 3. Davis had a distinguished career as a U. S. Senator and Secretary of War, and became the first and only President of the Confederate States of America. Celebration can be held on even numbered years for his birthday and on odd years for President’s Day. Banks in the South once closed every June 3, and for years I thought that it was in honor of my father, who was also born on this day.
● June 21. On June 21, 1951 I was sworn into the United States Navy. It is truly a memorable date for me, and I would appreciate some recognition. By the way, I re-read my commissioning papers the other day and found that I am subject to recall. If the Admiral needs me. I hope that one of the Navy’s newer ships has an inclined ramp to the pilot house. I do not care for shore duty.
● January 22, March 2, May 16, October 11, November 1. These are the days on which I have been accused of fathering children in different parts of the world. This is a standard accusation against sailors and it is because we wear those cute uniforms. We are all innocent. If I am blamed at any time from now on, though, I may accept the charge as a compliment. I will not own up to the act in court, however, since perjury carries an automatic thirty day sentence in the county facility and the judge will know I am lying.
● The Ides of March. This is the day that Brutus stabbed (or as we say down South “stobbed”) Caesar, not only taking his life but placing on countless school children for years afterwards the requirement to learn “Et tu, Brute’ ”. This is Latin, and a little of that language goes a long way. “Et tu, Brute’ ” has been more than enough for me, and I am closing in on eighty years of age. Brutus was a senator, as were some of his compatriots. On second thought maybe we shouldn’t use this. Senators have enough strange ideas without having Latin to confuse them.
● The Day after High School Graduation. On Graduation Day the seniors attack the world. The next day the world attacks back. This could also be called the “Rude Awakening Day”.
● April 15. We should wait until the Fair Tax is voted in. April 15th will then be just another lovely spring day, and we will be glad to send in a dollar per longevity year to all the senators and the representatives. Think of the money we will be saving, even then!
● December 14. This is my birthday. It has always been a difficult time for me because it is near Christmas and I always got that old “I’m giving you one present for both days” treatment. My mother’s sister was a pharmacist and we shared the same day, but she would send me vitamins and cod liver oil. So if you wish to assist me please do so. I do not have a wife to mail out my appeals, but I owe money to several banks. Just take your checks in and deposit them to my account. I can assure you that I will appreciate this gesture more than any senator or congressman will. And you will get a thank you note and an invitation to my party!
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